Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
