This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
