Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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