Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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