I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
we should paint friendship bongs
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