I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
