He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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