You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
