Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
