i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
