I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
