I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How external is "for external use only"?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
