Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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