I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
