Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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