be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The uberlube is also flammable
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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