you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
