so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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