get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
