Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
