Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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