Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
