I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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