she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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