Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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