I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
