Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
