on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
