Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just cut my nipple shaving
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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