the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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