one two three fourrrrnication!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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