Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
