one two three fourrrrnication!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
