wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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