People in love make me want to vomit
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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