need another drink. this is the easiest way
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
