Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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