Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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