I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I faked an abortion last night.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
