I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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