Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
