i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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