I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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