I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
