You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
God, I missed his penis.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
