booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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