my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
