I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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