you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
