I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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