you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
