Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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