i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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