he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
