3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Porn is love you can see.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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