pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
