So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
