What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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