Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
