best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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