Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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