Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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