so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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