im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
