Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
