I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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