my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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